Envy and Pain
by flawsmadebeautiful
Summary: He's over there talking to her. Smiling in a way that he never smiles at me. Is there something going wrong? Or am I just overanalyzing everything? I'm known for it, after all I'm just Lily Evans. Nothing like her, she's beautiful and perfect...perfect for him. If only he could see it too.
1. Chapter 1

Envy and Pain

Summary: Lily's jealousy at James talking to another girl.

* * *

Have you ever had that moment of pure jealousy? When you see a friend, not your best friend, because she would never talk to him like that, and she's talking to your man?

Oh yeah, she's just sitting over there talking to him and flipping her hair over her shoulder, and he's talking to her in a way that he never talks to me in.

She says something and he apparently finds it hilarious because he starts laughing, and it's not the same as when I say something that he thinks is funny. He's not looking at her in the same way that he looks at me.

But I'm still there, and I'm trying to understand why what she said is so funny, then he adds something to it and then they're both laughing. I feel alone, even though we're surrounded by a group of people. There's his friend who is laughing along, him and her. She's my friend. Friends don't go behind friends' backs, do they?

She's not that close of a friend so I don't really know how she always talks but I know him. So then why are his eyes on her when I'm his girlfriend? Why is he with me anyway?

I don't think I'm that pretty anyway, just long red hair and green eyes that clash together to make me somewhat pretty but everything I wear almost always clashes unless it's green. I'm not particularly talented, I'm a smart witch but who would want to be with a bookworm who keeps her head in a book and only ever surfaces from her homework when he drags her away?

She's so much prettier, with her long blonde curls and her sparkling eyes. They have chemistry, something I've never really doubted quite as much as I do now. James and I are so different. What makes us even stay?

He's so outgoing and carefree. I'm uptight and I barely know anything about Wizarding culture, much less my own anymore. I don't know famous singers, bands, I don't even know anywhere that's considered good to eat out anymore. I can't find anything on a road map because now I've got two maps to keep track of.

They tease me about it sometimes and I laugh along, but really it does sting. It hurts. Knowing that she's laughing because she's one of them. She understands the jokes and she doesn't have that problem. She's flawless even with being in twenty or so clubs and after school hours activities. She's got perfect grades without even trying, she's even missing a few rolls of essays here and there.

She's almost perfect for him, in your opinion. But you love him, you don't want to let him go...but is he slipping away? He only ever cares when you're alone with him. When he's around her with you, it's like he'd rather talk to her than you.

You feel alone and then they bring up what they're doing after they leave Hogwarts. You can feel the tears now because you know he's going to be an Auror. You don't even have to ask. You already know he's going to leave for Auror training and he's not going to talk to you. Aurors-in-training are hard workers after all, and nothing is supposed to distract them from their training. Especially people like you...so you've got to go just so that he can live his life how you know he's meant to.

Why does he feel so far away when he's right there? Why is he talking to her like that?

Doesn't he understand that it's killing you inside? Because you know she's just a friend and that she doesn't mean any harm by laughing and talking to him.

But at the same time...just think. We started out as just friends too.


	2. Chapter 2

Envy and Pain

The tears burn your eyes, the pain flashes through you again and you bite your lip to keep from saying a word, a sound of the pain that's tearing you apart.

You push back the red hair framing your face, fallen snow sticking fast to it and clinging to your eyelashes.

You don't know much about how you're feeling at this point. It's a twisted mess of emotions all bound to each other by one thing. Him.

He's across from her, she's turned around asking if she can borrow a quill. The teacher's lips purse and she snaps at them.

The girl, she falls silent and turns back around but then sneaks a glance back at him and they both laugh. It's a silent communication and more painful by the second.

She never falters and he seems to like that. She's not breaking like you are.

The words on the parchment blur until they're nothing but smears of black on the torn parchment roll.

The quill in your hand trembles, and the fears begin the well up.

Will he ever realize how much more she is? She acts fearless, she never doubts what she says.

She's beautiful, prettier than you'll ever be. He's finally convinced you that you're beautiful but now he's looking at her like she's so much more.

She knows more than you ever will. She's everything without even trying. She flashes you a smile that only stings more.

You take in a slow breath, letting it tremble before you let it out even slower, trying to keep breathing. Every second you have to concentrate on every breath you take, trying to keep from breaking.

Then suddenly, ink splatters across your notes as you accidentally knock over your ink pot. No one else sees, but you're staring at the black ink that is slowly creeping across the paper. Staining across the blurred notes.

You stop, your breath catching in your throat as all the doubts and fears well up all at once, demanding to be set free.

Every little piece, every little regret, words you never said, words you'll never stop thinking about, prayers you never made and everything you've ever done.

Every sin that you've ever committed, every lie you've ever told. It all come down tearing your walls down.

Suddenly you can't breathe, you have to get away. Anywhere but here. No here. Not with him there.

So you run, run through the empty hallways and then up flights of stairs. One after another, until you can't breathe and you can barely see through the tears that are falling down.

But it's only when you reach your dormitory that you finally break down. The pain finally breaks through, then it's too much to think, to breathe, to even think about anything except for every single flash of pain going through you.

He's taken down every one of your walls and torn it down and you're breaking.

You've only ever seen love break apart and go up in flames.

After Hogwarts he's leaving to the Academy and he's not coming back. He'll be lost to the war that's going on. He's never going to look back years from now and turn to his best mate and say, "I miss her," or "I wish I'd stayed."

He's not that kind of person. He doesn't look back at his past. Only on to the future.

You know he doesn't like her, that she doesn't like him. But if only they could see it maybe he would realize that she could take him away from you. Maybe he would realize the fear and the doubt.

The fear that comes creeping in and tells you that you're not pretty. She's beautiful with her pretty smile and flawless looks. She's not anything like you, plain and boring.

He's far more than you'll ever be. More than what you'll ever achieve he's already done. You don't know what he sees you as. You could just be that girl who he sees as the person you are when you're talking to him about anything, the person that cares more about him than yourself or the person who is just someone else.

He's not going to see the girl who tries so hard every day, the girl who spends all her time hoping he'll notice, the girl who spends her time wanting to know if you love her as much as she loves you, the girl who won't admit that she cries over you, the girl who wants to know.

The one who wants to know what you see in her.

Maybe then you'll see why you're not just some girl...

I want to be the one girl. Not your favorite. Not your best. The one and forget all the rest.

But that's not going to happen. The love will just go up in flames like it always does. You'll move on and find someone who makes you truly happy.

You'll hold up your head and close the door. You'll be strong in front of everyone else but behind closed doors you'll break. Fix yourself up, dry your tears and put on your mask because you're a princess and your tiara's falling down.

You'll let him go...and see if he truly loved you too.


	3. Chapter 3

Envy and Pain

How much you long to tell him...the feelings of betrayal and fear. You fight the fear with every bit of strength you have, you're preparing to break the news to him.

How can you do this without breaking yourself, too?

You turn to tell him, opening your mouth and preparing the words once again before you say them. But then the words are lodged in your throat, unable to speak or even say what's on your mind.

As much as you want to tell him, to break it to him you _can't. _That would be giving up on something you've worked for, tried for, fought for...how can you just give that up in a matter of seconds?

You try again, this time you manage one word. His name. You marvel at how even now, on the verge of breaking apart his name still sounds beautiful to you.

The worst part is that no one will ever understand why you're doing this. Why you can't be hurt again...that it's killing you to so this. But no one else will see it the way you do.

His own parents don't understand...they don't even know you. They'll never find out that you dated their son because you never had the chance to meet his parents and he'll probably never tell them.

"James." He looks at you with an almost childhood innocence, eyes fixed on you. He tilts his head in an almost owl like fashion.

"Hm?"

_If he truly loves you, he'll come back to you. _

You find yourself hesitating to say it. Then you remember the vivid flashes of crying, cursing his name under your breath, wishing you didn't love him like this.

That time you ran into your dormitory, panic gripping you and shaking you to pieces as you fumbled for your diary and then you pulled out the blue ink you only use on special occasions and wrote his name down.

You wrote it in beautiful, curly letters. You vowed that one day when you were finally over him you would be able to tear that page out and be done with all the regrets and all the pain that came with it. You'll finally be free.

But then you fear that day will never come, that you'll never be able to see him smile and still feel happy for him. That you won't be able to walk past him and feel the bite of jealousy when you see him with her.

You pray that one day you'll be strong enough someday to rip it out and let go of one of the best things that ever happened to you.

"I'm done."

He looks at you in almost confusion. You can see the gears turning in his head, then your own thoughts take over.

_But we were perfect. _

Used to be. I just hope I'm strong enough to move on, to see past all of this. I thought you'd always be mine. But now I see that I'm not the only one on your mind.

He finally looks at you, and for a moment you think he actually sees you. His eyes turn downward, whether he's sad or disappointed you can't quite tell. He hesitates, his mouth opens and then closes. He looks almost speechless but confusion flickers in his eyes.

You make a move to stand up. He suddenly moves, standing up and grabbing your wrist before you can move.

"Don't go."

You look at him. He doesn't sound desperate. He sounds sad, like he's realizing what he's losing for even a second.

There's a long silence. You already want to take him back but that would only mean more pain. More pain for you. Do you really want to watch him talk to other girls again?

"Don't let me." You stare into his eyes and for a moment you think it flashes, a bit of recognition. A challenge, a dare.

"I won't." It's not him being overconfident. There's a fraction of fear, but his eyes meet yours and in those dark depths you can see what you don't need words for.

_You won't let me become the one that got away._


End file.
